[02 Jan 2010|01:16pm] jillard here's how things are going to be different this year: no more silly drunk texts. figure out what is making me sad. quitting livejournal and spending less time on the computer in general. here we go post comment

[28 Dec 2009|05:58pm] jillard Sometimes I worry that I should be spending my time on projects to help other people and better humanity all that, but I also just want to say that it is also great that all me and my friends do is watch marathons on fancy cable tv and play board games, it is great that my father will ever only order take-out from mario's pizzeria and we will never ask them to deliver it. I like that some things don't change and don't make me worried whether I am a good enough person or not. I have a set of bird salt and pepper shakers that sit in a porcelain nest. The decade is almost over, one of my best friends is getting married next year, I might be living in France, I might fall in love. I don't know everything but looking back on the past ten years of my life I can say that waking up each morning has been a better option than the alternative. post comment

2009. [28 Dec 2009|01:03pm] lalalexi [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Interpol ] Last year at this time, I was convinced that 2009 was going to be a better year. In 2008, I wasted a lot of time worrying about things that didn't matter. My grandmother died. I had to deal with reprocussions from the abuse I did to my body in 2007. Aside from victories like purchasing my first car and (more importantly) establishing the most meaningful relationship I've experienced in my lifetime, I did not find 2008 to be a particularly great year. I had high hopes for 2009. PROFESSIONALLY - In January, I received a promotion to Marketing Communications Coordinator. I am responsible for making important decisions about advertising, writing copy and press releases, and I manage the company's website. At the end of 2009, I am making about 40% more than when I first started at my job in 2007. Monetarily, I could always be doing better, but I have more than enough to take care of what I need and what I want. I am still lacking personal fulfillment from my employment, but I enjoy the company of my coworkers. I put my foot down and demanded that I be treated with respect, regardless of my age or gender. We are working on that. Ultimately, I would like to find a new career path in 2010 (resolution, anyone?). Money isn't everything, and I yearn for a greater sense of satisfaction in the workplace. That said, I appreciate the knowledge and experience I gained thus far. PERSONALLY - It's always strikes and gutters, man. My relationship is so good. Josh treats me wonderfully, and he is the perfect complement to my personality. We've been together almost two years now. I moved in with him in February of this year, which was a great decision. We purchased furniture together, and a big ol' television, and a puppy named Jackson. We are running a recording studio together. We are building a life together, which is something I've never quite experienced before. In July of this year, we came up with a grand scheme to move to Raleigh, North Carolina. We were supposed to be gone by April of 2010. But you know, life happens, and once we sat down to figure out a plan, Josh decided to go back to school. Then he took ownership of the recording studio, and then I decided I wanted to apply to grad school next year. Everything fell into place, and I think we will end up leaving, but for now I am taking opportunities as they come, and that feels pretty damn good. On August 30, 2009, Josh's best friend Ricky Gibbings passed away. It came out of nowhere, like a big smack to the face. We were taking a nap on the couch and SVU was on the television and Jackson was sleeping on the floor right by us when he got the voicemail. It was so paralyzing and devastating. It was worse than when my grandmother died. The service and funeral were hard; I've never seen Josh so sad. He is still sad, but it will get easier. I still catch myself tearing up, thinking about it. I think it affected everyone who knew him and probably reminded us of our own mortality, when someone so beautiful and warm can be taken from us in an instant. A few days after Ricky died, I was sitting at work when my mom called me. My grandfather died, too. I lost it that day. I took the week off to be with family and friends. I don't really remember that week. It is a blur. On October 28, my mom called me while I was getting ready for work. My dad was in bad accident while driving a Wackenhut bus. She told me he was fine, but would call me later if I was needed. I thought about my grandmother and I thought about Ricky. I went to work. She called me in tears and told me it was worse than she thought. I left work and raced to the hospital. My dad was puffy all over. He was in a lot of pain. I sat with him and helped him adjust his broken arm so that he could be as comfortable as possible. I notified our family because my mother was too distraught. I answered phone calls and repeated the awful story over and over. It was too much, to be faced with losing my dad too. Even though I could see him and talk to him, the thought remained that there was really no reason he survived the crash. I thanked the Universe for letting my dad live. Today, my dad is recovering well. He doesn't have to use a walker or wheelchair anymore, and just last week he said goodbye to his boot. He's still got work ahead of him, but he is here and he is alive. That's what counts. Lots of famous people died this year too, most notably Michael Jackson. It's cool to say that you didn't care now, but I did. There are camcorder tapes of me singing and dancing to "Bad." Music, as it does for many people, defines moments in my life. Michael Jackson's death signified a huge portion of growing up, and I don't mean to be melodramatic, but his death made the fact that my childhood is gone glaringly obvious. I am learning to look back on my carefree days with fondness while embracing the fact that there are lots of wonderful things about being a grown up. All of this death put life into perspective for me. I stopped worrying so much and decided to take chances. Even though the odds are stacked against me, I am getting things in order to apply to grad school early next year. I am terrified of rejection, but this will help me learn and grow. I started messing around in the studio with Josh, even though I hated singing in front of people. I let my guard down. We made silly songs and sad songs and we had fun together. I decided to be proud of my body and did a pin-up photoshoot. I even said yes when I was asked to be in a deck of cards. Life isn't serious enough to be insecure all the time. Self-acceptance and self-love are important pieces of the happiness puzzle. So here I am, today. In a few days, 2010 will be here. I do not hope that it will be better than 2009. If I learned anything this year, it is that yesterday lives in our memories and that the present in perspective is the most important thing. Our futures are uncertain. This year was incredibly difficult, and when I look at what I just wrote, it seems like it was a pretty bad year. Yet I can't shake this overwhelming sense that all in all, it was pretty good. My sense of self is greater than ever. My life is good. I have everyone and everything I need. I miss the people that are gone from my life or from this planet. I took better care of myself. I was a better person this year than I was last year. I tried my best not to take people for granted, not to take my time for granted. That's all I can do, and that's what I'll continue to do next year. 4 comments|post comment

in slow motion at denny's (that's called a grand slam) [23 Dec 2009|02:29pm] shrewtee Sometimes I still think about my favorite bullship: Miley Cyrus and (underwear model) Justin Gaston; in particular this: As with everything he says, Gaston is completely sincere. He can truly be described as a nice guy—and "nice" is exactly what he likes about Miley. "In a girl, I want someone who's really genuine," he says. "Someone attractive, but more just really nice." In the background, Miley interrupts with a quote from the Bible. "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." "That's true, that's true," he agrees. LOOK WHAT YOU RUINED, NICHOLAS JONAS. And for naught really, except The Administrations' eventual rise. Or lack thereof. Someone please explain to me the appeal of The Jonas Brothers' music, which, with the grand (and yes, it's grand) exception of "Burnin Up" trends heavily towards elevator sounds. Is this what the children are swinging their panties in the air for? I cry. Also in that vein: Dear lord. I don't understand having that little shame, or that off of a mix of self-awareness and a complete lack of it. Guys, I was all prepared to mush out this genuine piece about how Ke$ha is this new creature generating sparse bubblegum trash, which is right about to be my favorite nascent genre of sound. But her album is actually pretty weak, as an entity, due to: a. over-autotuning and fine-tuning the gritty out of her kitty and b. some really awful ideas (the best example of which is "Stephen" - Ke$ha's my age, singing about wanting to bang her high school teacher, and in a sort of present-day whatnow tone that is completely jarring, considering her image as being born from the grease of LA's streeeeeeets and not the normalcy of Britney Spearsian suburbia.) Alas, I only have room for about 3 songs in any part of my soundtrack so (assuming you are a human, and therefore have access to "Tik Tok"): [boots and boys, blah blah blah, take it off] My relationship with "Take It Off" is strangely peppered by 3rd grade; this girl (Jennifer Lee, I think - what an obvious name for Northern California private schooling) created this ditty to that tune about OJ Simpson and Nicole Brown. This was before he killed her. My moon, my man Kanye has returned to blogging as a writerly capslocked thing, and not just a tumblr with purchased webspace behind it (though incidentally, this house - or rather this angle of it - is so wild and cool, and weirdly liveable, the older I get and the more I think of art houses as homes). I am so glad he did so with this really honest bit: "WE LOVED 50 CENT BUT WE WANTED TO BE THE YANG. WE WANTED TO WEAR PINK POLOS AND RAP ABOUT BEING HURT INSTEAD BEING INVINCIBLE." I don't particularly think of myself as a Ye stan but ...perhaps? It is impossible for me not to like what he does, somehow, or not to be drowning in very small, deep pressure feeling when he talks, even though everything he says is so huge, so bombastic. I REMEMBER WHEN HE PITCHED IT TO ME, I WAS LIKE... UUUUUUUM.........WTF!!!!! ... BUT ONLY A COMPLETE IDIOT TURNS DOWN THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE DIRECTED BY SPIKE JONZE. HE'S A REALLY GOOD FRIEND AND CALMING SPIRIT AND THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED MOST IN YOUR LIFE SOMETIMES. HE REMINDS ME OF JON BRION IN A WAY BECAUSE THEY BOTH CAN FIND THE HUMAN QUALITIES IN PEOPLE AND BRING THOSE TO THE FOREFRONT. THEY HAVE SO MUCH GOOD WILL THAT THEY LET ME USE SOME OF THAT TO OPEN DOORS THAT HAVE BEEN CLOSED OFF TO ME. THIS WAS THEEE MOST IN YOUR FACE CONCEPT BUT SPIKE MADE ME LOOK LIKE A HURT CHILD INSTEAD OF AN OUTRAGEOUS ASSHOLE. WHEN EVERYONE GOES BIG, GO SMALL. WHEN EVERYONE GOES CLEAN, GO DIRTY. WHEN EVERYBODY PUTS ON THE CRAZIEST OUTFITS EVER, PUT ON YOUR FAVORITE OLD BAND OF OUTSIDERS DINNER JACKET AND PULL A MONSTER OUT OF YOUR SOUL. I WISH I COULD SAY THAT MONSTER WAS TRULY DEAD BUT I THINK HE'LL BE BACK TO LIFE SITTING ON MY SHOULDER WHEN I GET BACK IN THE STUDIO. If you know what is good for you, you might skeedaddle over to Anna's wowza singles post for the year. There are some songs I completely hate on there, but A could sell me a box of cookies I had already eaten. NOT FOR THE INTREPID MUSIC LISTENER! My contribution to that is The Greatest Song That Become Famous In December, which is my pre-emptively good way of saying RIGHT NOW, THIS IS MY FAVORITE. I alternate between 80 plays in a row of Ke$ha and 85 of Robin Thicke and Nicki Minaj's creation: [shakin it for daddy] IF YOU DO NOT MOVE IN YOUR SEAT TO THIS, YOU ARE SOULLESS AND DISGUSTING, GET OUT OF MY FACE. No, I am completely serious: there are songs I consider subjective to taste and others that are so culturally perfect in a moment of sheer pop that I am actually side-eying haters. This is one of those. Tangentially relevant only to my Top OTPs interests: JAY AND BEY CHANGED THEIR LAST NAMES TOGETHER I love you, Knowles-Carters. :') 30 comments|post comment

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